So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
