i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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