I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You were trust falling into bushes
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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