If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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