I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
