So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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