ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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