She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
