What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
