Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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