is your mom at the bar?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
