The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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