morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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