make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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