The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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