you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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