DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Who died my cat blue again?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
