This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
