i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
