I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
