I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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