I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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