He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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