i need an iv and a liver transplant
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
