i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Randomize
