can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
