the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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