does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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