I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
