I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
