If that was your dad, he is hot
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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