so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
