my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
