You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
