My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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