her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
