I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
