I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
