I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
