I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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