I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
