Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
