new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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