oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
