Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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