I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
