my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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