so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
