I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
