boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
